this is too cool.
via We play.
So… I’ve been pretty lazy for the past 4/5 months. I can’t seem to get myself to focus long enough to accomplish anything. why oh why. Sigh. The only thing that’s scaring me the most right now, is that failing all my tests and assignments don’t even seem to bother me anymore. There isn’t the “I’ll do better” drive any longer. It’s only “whatever” or “fuck this shit” or “why do i even try”. woopsies. This is bad. Really bad. COME ON, PRESS ON, MICH! (:
So, for the main purpose of this post – INCH CHUA.
She’s a local(Singaporean) artist and i happened to chance upon her songs recently. (AMAZING I MUST SAY) Most of her songs are self composed and they really are meaningful.
The Last Waltz (this is a cover but it’s my favourite)
Wallflower — this is an original
So apparently she’s been doing music for quite some time now and had some pretty awesome achievements but it seems like she’s not really getting the attention she could potentially get. (that’s how amazing i think she is:D)
So, if you guys could, please support her. It’ll be great. And the best part is… Her albums are free to download! (link below) Or you could pay her whatever amount you think she deserves;) *hint*hint*
I think she has 3 albums up now, and they’re doing great. But they deserve so much more(:
So i think i finally figured out what i’m good at. Over-thinking. Melodrama. Leaving myself behind. (
so it’s not always good to be good at something?)
I love to think. In fact, i realised that i love to think so much, i’m over doing it.
“They say that I can’t last a day in the real world. I say you wouldn’t survive one night in mine.”
And i think that’s completely true. The kind of outrageous bullshit my mind makes up, i don’t even know where it gets its ideas from. Sometimes i think that i have to act a certain way or say a certain thing because that’s what a certain emotion is supposed to be like. Sometimes, i even think that i have to do certain things like i’m in a movie and people are watching and i have to be convincing. (WHAT??) And these annoyingly pervasive thoughts make me so god damn melodramatic. I’m not even kidding right now.
(once, i sobbed like a crazy baby because my dad didn’t ask me to join him for dinner. CUCKOO ALERT!)
And the thing is, because i’m so melodramatically over-over-thinking, i always feel like my presence is not appreciated. And unless explicitly stated, i would more often than not decide to go my own.
Which is really bad for someone who already barely has any friends.
But there are times where i do think that my fears are not unfounded. Maybe being left behind enough times can cause a person to rather just leave themselves out instead of having to be left out. I guess i’m just worried that this level of insecurity is just gonna keep rising. (which for the first time in my life had been pointed out by a person least expected.)
I just want to be a kid again. Where everything is good and pretty, and unicorns shitted rainbows.
This is just so unrealistic because i’m nostalgic for a thing that can never return.
I want to get rid of this wall, but then i don’t. It’s a barrier and a sanctuary all at the same time.
This is so confusing.
DISCLAIMER!: For your own sake, please just skip this post if you haven’t gotten to watching Restless. (please know that i’m judging you though. sooooo much judgement right now.)
“As I write this letter, the ocean breeze feels cool on my skin.
The very ocean is soon to be my grave.
They tell me I will die a hero, that the safety and honor of my country will be the reward for my sacrifice.
I pray they are right.
My only regret in life is never telling you how I feel.
I wish I were back home.
I wish I were holding your hand.
I wish I were telling you that I have loved you and only you since I was a boy.
But I am not.
I see now that death is easy. It is love that is hard.
As my plane dives, I will not see the face of my enemies.
I will only, instead, see your eyes.
Like black rocks frozen in rain water.
They tell us that we must scream, “Banzai” as we plunge into our target.
I will instead whisper your name and in death, as in life, I will remain forever yours.”
This is just. omg. i can’t even… too touching:’)
“Fear comes from the fact that you THINK you cannot act or will act incorrectly. But if you actually try, even though you’re scared as hell, you’ll often realize that these fears don’t have any foundations. They can be blown away if you just tell yourself you’ll do it no matter what. In many cases you’ll think that death is your worst case, but you have to realise, you’re over-exagerating.”
Ok, so i came across this quote (by Eleanor Roosevelt) the other day and it’s prolly really old and overused, but i still think it’s really really meaningful. And judging from my current lifestyle, a whole lot of change is gonna do me good. And just thinking about it already seems pretty intimidating, but i’m gonna try, for the next month or so, i’m gonna live by this quote.
(because i fear nothing more than a life unlived)
So starting tomorrow (technically today) and everyday for the next month or so, i will do one new thing that not necessarily scares me, but is unfamiliar/new/uncomfortable to me. I’ll try to do at least thirty and i don’t know if i can do one everyday, so i’ll see how it goes.
Actually, the more i think about it, the more excited i feel.
So i guess i’ll let you know how it turns out then(:
This is a really personal rant, so it’s prolly gonna get really draggy and sappy and whatever not.
So i’ve been feeling pretty out of sorts recently.(Like i have never in my entire life not want to go to school so badly that i’d just skip it for like nearly a week. Straight.) And i don’t like that that issue is the cause and is the only thing that’s constantly on my mind.
Like it never, LITERALLY NEVER, leaves me alone. And it is SO annoying because people are getting sick of hearing me whine about it. I’M getting sick of hearing MYSELF whine about it.
You know how an hour goes by? Then the day? Then the week? Then before you even know it, BAM! it’s a whole new year. It really scares me how fast time is passing nowadays. Like farting god-like light speed. And then I’ll be thinking, so I didn’t change at all? I’m still me and I still do the silly things I do? No. Slowly i’m beginning to realise that i’m not me anymore. Ánd i always feel like i don’t like the new me. Because i feel (and my friends agree) that i’m more afraid. More worried. Moresadmoreinsecuremoreangstymorewhinyandwhathaveyou.
I remember talking to a friend and I remember her mentioning something along the lines of: Everyone has this perception of themselves, of who they are supposed to be. Like the real ‘me’. But if you think of a past you and the present you, you’re constantly changing. Like what you liked before might not even appeal to the present you in the slightest. So maybe you’re changing, but it doesn’t mean you’re not ‘you’, cause you can’t keep living in the past.
I know, i have such wise (corny) friends right;)
But the thing is, it’s easier said than done. I can’t help worrying. What if this me is actually a worser version than who i was before? What if this me screws up? What if this me isn’t likeable? I guess that’s really the root of the issue. Likeability? (is there even such a word. lol)
Honestly, i don’t even know why it affects me so much when all we used to do was go around saying things like FUCKWHATPEOPLETHINK.
So, it’s been 5 months. And i know, and everybody knows, that there’s something going on, something wrong. Not like a “it’s not right” wrong, but like a weird wrong. And i can now officially say that i know, I KNOW, what it fucking feels like to be the odd one out.
So since it’s already out there, yes, i am an outcast. No, you didn’t read that wrong.
But here’s the thing, why can’t i? Why can’t i enjoy being by myself if nobody wants to be with me? Why why why, am i so affected by what people think of me?
Do you know that having to think through everything single thing you want to say is such a tiring thing to do? So if annoying people get more annoying, please know that you play a part.
Because you judging me is making me anxious. And when i’m anxious, i do/say/think stupid shit that eats away at my confidence. And it makes me feel like i have to be somebody else in order to be liked.
Do y’know what that means! You’re giving me an identitiy crisis!
I’m now rolling my eyes and i’m slamming my table, and i’m saying ‘I just don’t want to do it anymore!’
Ultimately, if you don’t like me, you’re not gonna like anything i do. You’re just always gonna get offended anyways. SO FWPT. FWYT.
(self reminder: bring this attitude with you, preferably some place other than in front of your computer screen-_-)
Also, i vow to cherish all my lovelies more. And the few friends i’m sincerely thankful to have(:
So I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately (WHICH, ACCORDING TO MY RESULTS, I CLEARLY SHOULD NOT BE DOING) and i really think they deserve more recognition than they actually get. I guess i really like these kinds of movies because there’s always something you can relate to.
Also because their quotes can’t stop screaming out “NOTICE ME. NOTICE ME!”
Movie 1: “we live alone, we die alone, everything else is just an illusion.”
This film is just downright cliched and totally predictable. (not what i loved about it) Guess what the film’s about! Love.
You can already imagine me rolling my eyes.
DORKALERT! “Rules of cutting school.”
1. Cutting school is fun
2. Cut rarely to preserve the ‘specialness’
3. Do something culturally rewarding to earn it morally
So i basically break these rules on like nearly a weekly basis?
yes, i know, i’m a badass like that.
Movie 2: “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.”
Fate. Mistakes. Love and what have you. Not watching this is not even an option. ‘Nuff said.
Movie 3: Death and all his friends.
WEEPIE MOVIE CHECKLIST:
Weirdly morbid teenagers? Check.
Seemingly pointless emotional estrangement? Check.
Funeral gatecrashers? Check.
A ghost BFF? (who’s actually just a figment of your imagination. WHUT?) Check.
A dying girlfriend? Check. Double check. TRIPLE CHECK. (angsty because Mia Wasikowska has to die☹)
“There’s this kind of songbird that thinks it dies every time the sun goes down. In the morning when it wakes up, it’s totally shocked to still be alive, so it sings this really beautiful song. I’ve sung every morning since I’ve met you.” -Annabelle
So it suddenly dawned on me just the other day, that there are so many things/people/memories I can barely remember or remember extremely inaccurate details of. And you know that feeling you get when feel like you’re losing something but you’re not quite sure what it is and you get this weird disturbing feeling in your heart? That’s what it felt like. It felt like I was losing my identity (damn me and my goldfish memory).
So for fear that 20 or 50 or a 1000 years down the road, should I still be alive, I would have forgotten every loveable person, meaningful memory, impossible dream, inspiring thought, (insert your own corny words here), etc etc, I figured I would just create a blog for me to pen down my every last ridiculous thought.
I have always only been better with words, so i’m pretty sure there’s gonna be one too many lengthy (Boring!) posts. But then again, this space is supposedly meant for me and the future me, who I imagine would thoroughly enjoy reading these memories, so take a guess at how many flying farts i give(: