snickers, come boost my ego.

by retrodiction

This is a really personal rant, so it’s prolly gonna get really draggy and sappy and whatever not.

So i’ve been feeling pretty out of sorts recently.(Like i have never in my entire life not want to go to school so badly that i’d just skip it for like nearly a week. Straight.) And i don’t like that that issue is the cause and is the only thing that’s constantly on my mind.

Like it never, LITERALLY NEVER, leaves me alone. And it is SO annoying because people are getting sick of hearing me whine about it. I’M getting sick of hearing MYSELF whine about it.

You know how an hour goes by? Then the day? Then the week? Then before you even know it, BAM! it’s a whole new year. It really scares me how fast time is passing nowadays. Like farting god-like light speed. And then I’ll be thinking, so I didn’t change at all? I’m still me and I still do the silly things I do? No. Slowly i’m beginning to realise that i’m not me anymore. Ánd i always feel like i don’t like the new me. Because i feel (and my friends agree) that i’m more afraid. More worried. Moresadmoreinsecuremoreangstymorewhinyandwhathaveyou.

I remember talking to a friend and I remember her mentioning something along the lines of: Everyone has this perception of themselves, of who they are supposed to be. Like the real ‘me’. But if you think of a past you and the present you, you’re constantly changing. Like what you liked before might not even appeal to the present you in the slightest. So maybe you’re changing, but it doesn’t mean you’re not ‘you’, cause you can’t keep living in the past.

I know, i have such wise (corny) friends right;)

But the thing is, it’s easier said than done. I can’t help worrying. What if this me is actually a worser version than who i was before? What if this me screws up? What if this me isn’t likeable? I guess that’s really the root of the issue. Likeability? (is there even such a word. lol)

Honestly, i don’t even know why it affects me so much when all we used to do was go around saying things like FUCKWHATPEOPLETHINK.

So, it’s been 5 months. And i know, and everybody knows, that there’s something going on, something wrong. Not like a “it’s not right” wrong, but like a weird wrong. And i can now officially say that i know, I KNOW, what it fucking feels like to be the odd one out.
So since it’s already out there, yes, i am an outcast. No, you didn’t read that wrong.

But here’s the thing, why can’t i? Why can’t i enjoy being by myself if nobody wants to be with me? Why why why, am i so affected by what people think of me?
Do you know that having to think through everything single thing you want to say is such a tiring thing to do? So if annoying people get more annoying, please know that you play a part.
Because you judging me is making me anxious. And when i’m anxious, i do/say/think stupid shit that eats away at my confidence. And it makes me feel like i have to be somebody else in order to be liked.

Do y’know what that means! You’re giving me an identitiy crisis!

I’m now rolling my eyes and i’m slamming my table, and i’m saying ‘I just don’t want to do it anymore!’

Ultimately, if you don’t like me, you’re not gonna like anything i do. You’re just always gonna get offended anyways. SO FWPT. FWYT.

(self reminder: bring this attitude with you, preferably some place other than in front of your computer screen-_-)

Also, i vow to cherish all my lovelies more. And the few friends i’m sincerely thankful to have(: