some kind of nostalgia

by retrodiction

So i think i finally figured out what i’m good at. Over-thinking. Melodrama. Leaving myself behind. (so it’s not always good to be good at something?)

I love to think. In fact, i realised that i love to think so much, i’m over doing it.

“They say that I can’t last a day in the real world. I say you wouldn’t survive one night in mine.”

And i think that’s completely true. The kind of outrageous bullshit my mind makes up, i don’t even know where it gets its ideas from. Sometimes i think that i have to act a certain way or say a certain thing because that’s what a certain emotion is supposed to be like. Sometimes, i even think that i have to do certain things like i’m in a movie and people are watching and i have to be convincing. (WHAT??) And these annoyingly pervasive thoughts make me so god damn melodramatic. I’m not even kidding right now.
(once, i sobbed like a crazy baby because my dad didn’t ask me to join him for dinner. CUCKOO ALERT!)

And the thing is, because i’m so melodramatically over-over-thinking, i always feel like my presence is not appreciated. And unless explicitly stated, i would more often than not decide to go my own. Which is really bad for someone who already barely has any friends.

But there are times where i do think that my fears are not unfounded. Maybe being left behind enough times can cause a person to rather just leave themselves out instead of having to be left out. I guess i’m just worried that this level of insecurity is just gonna keep rising. (which for the first time in my life had been pointed out by a person least expected.)

I just want to be a kid again. Where everything is good and pretty, and unicorns shitted rainbows.
This is just so unrealistic because i’m nostalgic for a thing that can never return.

I want to get rid of this wall, but then i don’t. It’s a barrier and a sanctuary all at the same time.

This is so confusing.