ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Month: June, 2012

pick-up sticks

by retrodiction

One two three, pick-up sticks.

One for the girl undaunted and brave,
Comfort, solace through the cords,
Hot breaths!
From a thousand miles away.
Trembling hands, unchartered lands,
    One stick for the girl of age ten.

One reaps two, then three and four,
Like how one door closes only to open more.
Pick up that book, maybe
Pray to the heavens,
“Be careful with those sticks,
the rules say only one, not more!”
    Three more sticks,
    For the little girl to bear.

One other for a child in a house not a home,
Six years and counting.
Eyes clouded, but heart still pounding.
Impenetrable! Unconquerable!
    Five, six, seven,
    For the girl building walls
    Out of pick up sticks.



Pssst. Don’t mock me. I’m just trying something new.
 

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Hobo mraz

by retrodiction

YOU LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE HOW SEXCITED I AM TO BE SEEING JASON MRAZ TOMORROW. MY VIRGIN HOBO MRAZ EXPERIENCE.

I call him Hobo Mraz because his scraggly new beard and liking for bandana-ed hairstyles kind of gives him a hobo-ish feel. Case and point ↓

Mr Jason 'Hobo' Mraz

Mr Jason ‘Hobo’ Mraz


 
He’s still so hot and incredibly talented though. It’s like he spouts nonsensical blabber that magically turns into beautiful poetry. Gosh, and that voice.
 
 
 
 
So much fangirl-ing emotion nowadays. Too…much…for me…to handle. Sigh. *faints*
 

life is pointless

by retrodiction

Because it’s a circle. Ha. Ha. Ha. I’m so hilarious.
No seriously though,

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is important that you do it.” – Mahatma Gandhi

 
Well, i’ve been an erratic little girl. I swear my moods swing faster than a pendulum bob. But it’s all good now— only because i’ve been extremely happy these couple of days. Weirdly optimistic too. (which i largely attribute to all the current fanfics i’m madly fangirl-ing over. Literally.) Like i want to giggle and flop all over the place. Like a seal.

So i’ve been gone for quite awhile. 11 days to be exact (not like anyone’s counting). Basically because i’ve been mugging. Plus exams and all the usuals. Life of a student. Meh, what’s new. I don’t think i’ve fared pretty well for all my papers. Utterly disappointing. But then again, i didn’t put in enough effort. So there’s that.
 
Moving along.
 
Pressing thought: Is it just me, or does everyone just seem so sad nowadays? Me included, oddly enough. Not now of course. Now i’m a giggling seal.

But just in general, there so much unhappiness and loneliness and what have you all around. And the saddest thing is that nobody ever wants to talk about it. Which is also madly infuriating. Please don’t assume that i’m saying this with any judgement, because i’m on your side. The madly infuriating people’s side. (who also happens to be madly infuriated). Because i understand, i do, i know what it feels like to want to talk about everything and not reveal anything at the same time. Toughest dilemma ever, trust me.

No judgements please, but i’ve got to ask. Does anyone ever feel like you can’t decide what kind of person you want to be. Like
a) The wild, boisterous person who is just high off of life.
b) The emo nemo who everyone just worries about.
c) The angsty little kid. I mean really angsty, like F***theworld you motherf***ing piece of s***head c**t b***h, angsty. You know the words. Don’t act like you dont.
 
 
You get my point. And i’ve made a self-realisation in light of this transient optimism. Hold your horses. It’s not some life-changing-bigbang-earth-shattering realisation, but it’s significant to me nonetheless. It’s not worth it. Whatever i’ve tried to be, and ridiculously failed at, was tiring. And the thing about hiding/harping on the negative feelings is that it takes such a toil on who you really are. So no, it’s not worth it being upset and tied down by the past/almost-past-present. There’s definitely no easy way out. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. But nothing will ever require more effort than the first step.
 
“To find yourself, you must first lose yourself”
 
And i have. And i can’t say i’m not still confused about who i’m really supposed to be, but right now, right this moment, i’m happy. Contented with myself. And that’s good enough.
 
“All I know is that today has been better than yesterday. And I want tomorrow to be better than today. That’s it. That’s all I know. And frankly, it’s enough for me.” -SHAFD
 
Now for the cold hard truth. No other person, even if you go through the same life experiences, can ever fully comprehend why and the way you feel the things you do. Because life is not a fairytale. And the stories we read, reality doesn’t ever play out the way they do in storybooks. Nobody’s going to save you. Nobody can save you. But the thing is, you don’t need to be saved. Maybe you’ll need a little push here and a nudge there, but at the end of the day, you’re strong enough to be your own prince charming.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, and happiness when shared, is doubled.


This post has officially been raped by quotes. But only because somebody’s already said it, and if i can’t say it better, why not quote.



P.S there is a ton of subliminal messaging in this post. For someone i sincerely hope would see. And know that we’ll always be here.

P.P.S what does P.S stand for?
 

WHAT??

by retrodiction

THE RULES:

1. Thank the person, who nominated you.

2. Tell seven things about yourself.

3. Nominate 15 other bloggers.

4. Post the image of the award in your acceptance post.

 

Why, of course, a thousand and one thanks to The ITT (It,Them,They) System. I never knew that there were blogger awards on wordpress and i much less expected that i would ever be nominated. I started this blog on a whim barely a month ago and half the time i rant nonsensically, so yes, i am truly thankful to ITT and whoever it was that nominated me (there are 7? or 8? brains behind that blog, no?)

If you want to check out the other nominees: Shock and Awe… Versatile Shock and Awe… (ITT)
 

Tell 7 things about yourself:
1. I am a very inconsistent person (which is prolly why my blog was nominated, because i can’t ever stick to just one topic.)
2. I am extremely EXTREMELY whiny. As you can already see by my whiny posts on my whiny blog over the last whiny month whining incessantly about my “problems”.
3. I absolutely adore Emma Watson and Ellen DeGeneres. They’re both wildly talented and gorgeous. And they’ve got the brains to back it too. My Enspirations (see what i did there!)

 

Ellen & Portia

Emma Watson, Vogue.

 

4. I lie when people ask me what i’d like to achieve in future.
(because people sometimes mock my dreams, which i absotively posilutely cannot stand.)
I always say i want to be rich. Nothing comes first for me other than money, which is an absolute lie. I mean, it’d be nice to be filthy rich and live an extremely extravagant lifestyle, but i actually really wouldn’t mind just-getting-by either. (Honestly, i kind of want to be like Bear Grylls:D)

5. I support gay marriage and rights. Come on, it’s the 20th century. We should have already learnt our lesson by now. (what with the witchcraft, and slavery, and DADT, and Prop 8 and what have you.) Gay people deserve as much equality as any other person next to you.

6. Reading should be made mandatory. It’s surprising how more and more people are getting more and more ignorant despite the advancements in technology. Which is why honesty IS the best policy because i would very much like for people to tell me straight(nicely!) if something i’m doing is offensive/repulsive/deserving of a smack right in the middle of my face. But whatever.

7. The chorus of 7 things by Miley Cryus has been replaying in my head since i started writing this. It would most likely be playing until i go to bed. Damn it.
(also, i bet it’s playing in your mind right now.)

Nominate 15 other bloggers:

AdorablyCaffeinated

PerpetualThoughts365

VideoGameGal

OakWorld

ManipalPhotoBlog

Sorry i could i only come up with 5, i haven’t been on wordpress or active enough to discover more awesome blogs. I would post about it if i come across any in future though(:

So, this has been an episode of “Excitement overload: The Versatile Blogger award”

 
 

Is it silly to get so excited over something like this? Is it? Really?
No. I don’t care. I’m excited. Take that.

 

by retrodiction

Just a giant blackhole of self-doubt

by retrodiction

So I’m having a break from school and apart from camp last week and going out for study sessions, i literally have not stepped out of my house. And staying cooped up at home all day does something crazy to a person’s mind. I am going crazy. Have you ever felt so annoyed at the rest of the world and even your moodswings start to scare you?

I want to watch a movie. Then i want to smash the television. I want to chat with my girlfriends. Then i want to burn my phone. I’m using the internet. Then suddenly, i get the urge to delete all social networking accounts. I want to eat, but no, eating makes me upset too. I just want to curl up in bed and waste my life away. Then i’m giggling like a little girl. Then i’m crying like candy’s being taken away from me(little girl, remember?) Then i’m angry. Angry’s the worst.

Just this morning i came to the conclusion that my erratic(psychotic) behaviour stems from the utterly pathetic lack of a social life. I don’t mean i don’t have any friends, no. I do.
They’re just… not enough? Don’t get me wrong. Before you get all appreciate-what-you-have-philosophical on me, i don’t mean not enough as in i want more friends. I mean not enough as in i feel the relationships i have are not enough, not complete/fulfilling/enjoyable enough. Just NOT enough.

Have you ever felt that your expectations are too high? Has anyone ever told you, that your expectations are too high. Well, i say, unless you’re expecting to ride a flying unicorn into the sunlight across a rainbow to get to that pot of gold at the end of it, it’s not too high. But then again, if i don’t lower it, i’ll probably end up an old lonely spinster with 99 smelly cats.
I don’t even like cats.


“I don’t listen when they say I might have to adjust my expectations of myself. To me this sounds like “you will never be good enough again.”


Maybe it’s just me, but forming close bonds with people is a pretty difficult thing to do. And i just miss the days where it was easy to find a friend who you knew liked you as much as you liked them. And you’d make all kinds of plans, chat non-stop and just generally feel good all the time.

Sometimes i worry i’ll live my life like this for the rest of my life. Bored, alone and completely insane.


I Don’t Know How To Be In A Relationship | Thought Catalog

by retrodiction

I Don’t Know How To Be In A Relationship | Thought Catalog.

plus est en vous

by retrodiction

“There is more in you than you think.”


So I’ve been gone for a pretty long while because I was at 5D4N leadership camp, and “Plus Est En Vous” was our theme. I have to admit, i was pretty reluctant to attend the camp initially (especially with bad reviews and far too many complaints from my seniors) but now i can gladly PROCLAIM that i wouldn’t give it up for the world. To say that the camp was beneficial/relevant/useful to me is an understatement. This might sound dramatic, but in many ways, this camp is a life changing experience for me  — yes, life changing!


For starters, the amazing people i’ve meet through these 5 days and 4 nights is reason enough to do it all over again (even if it means going through the hell of physical and mental exhaustion) And more than anything else, they helped me regain confidence in myself, especially with all the difficulties i’d been having. For the past 5 months i’d been so worried and worked up over how people perceived me and how i wasn’t quite on the same frequency as most of them. But all the acceptance my Aatas has given me….. I’m grateful beyond words:’)

Also, the 3 major events we had — Dragon Boating, High Elements and Night expedition — gave me the opportunity to try out new things and most importantly, conquer old fears. One of the major high points of this whole camp was High E. I’ve always had such a great fear of heights, but by some unknown gush of bravery i actually attempted a (nearly) 3 story climb up a vertical pole only to jump for a trapeze rope dangling in the air. (with an unglam manly roar to boost my courage, at the top of the pole, no less) It prolly seems like a pretty small achievement, but to me it’s an extremely significant one. There’s simply no way to describe the liberating feeling of conquering a fear like that except to say “in that moment, i swear i was infinite.” 

So I guess the whole point of this post is just to show my appreciation for my beloved Aatas because the impact they had on me was far greater than they could ever imagine.

Being able to find people like them and people like Cecilia who i could click so effortlessly and naturally with just made me feel so much less worried about my JC life and the fact that i haven’t been able to forge a close bond with the other people i’ve met before them. I’m glad i(they?/we?) know of my flaws, but them being able to put that aside so easily and make me feel like there isn’t a thing in the world i had to change about myself was just amazing. So i guess this just goes to show that there really isn’t such a thing as pleasing everybody, only that there will always be somebody out there for you.


On a side note, this camp has just pushed my #ERmission to whole a new level and if i could conquer the High E, there’s pretty much nothing(SELF-DENIAL) that i can’t conquer.