Just a giant blackhole of self-doubt
So I’m having a break from school and apart from camp last week and going out for study sessions, i literally have not stepped out of my house. And staying cooped up at home all day does something crazy to a person’s mind. I am going crazy. Have you ever felt so annoyed at the rest of the world and even your moodswings start to scare you?
I want to watch a movie. Then i want to smash the television. I want to chat with my girlfriends. Then i want to burn my phone. I’m using the internet. Then suddenly, i get the urge to delete all social networking accounts. I want to eat, but no, eating makes me upset too. I just want to curl up in bed and waste my life away. Then i’m giggling like a little girl. Then i’m crying like candy’s being taken away from me(little girl, remember?) Then i’m angry. Angry’s the worst.
Just this morning i came to the conclusion that my erratic(psychotic) behaviour stems from the utterly pathetic lack of a social life. I don’t mean i don’t have any friends, no. I do.
They’re just… not enough? Don’t get me wrong. Before you get all appreciate-what-you-have-philosophical on me, i don’t mean not enough as in i want more friends. I mean not enough as in i feel the relationships i have are not enough, not complete/fulfilling/enjoyable enough. Just NOT enough.
Have you ever felt that your expectations are too high? Has anyone ever told you, that your expectations are too high. Well, i say, unless you’re expecting to ride a flying unicorn into the sunlight across a rainbow to get to that pot of gold at the end of it, it’s not too high. But then again, if i don’t lower it, i’ll probably end up an old lonely spinster with 99 smelly cats.
I don’t even like cats.
“I don’t listen when they say I might have to adjust my expectations of myself. To me this sounds like “you will never be good enough again.”
Maybe it’s just me, but forming close bonds with people is a pretty difficult thing to do. And i just miss the days where it was easy to find a friend who you knew liked you as much as you liked them. And you’d make all kinds of plans, chat non-stop and just generally feel good all the time.
Sometimes i worry i’ll live my life like this for the rest of my life. Bored, alone and completely insane.