I’m ready to let you go.
It’s been a long time coming, and i’m finally ready. As is everything else in my world, there’s never a hundred percent certainty that i’ll be completely alright with it, but at least for now, i know that this is something i have to do, for myself. (Even if i might regret it sometime in the near future)
You should know that it has always been you.
It doesn’t matter anymore. Even if you think that the things i did/ am doing are minute and insignificant, I just wanted you to know (in case you really didn’t already know) that i have never put in this much effort into something or someone. Maybe my persistence has been nothing but an annoyance to you, maybe you feel that i haven’t put in as much as effort as i think i did, well, nothing much left for me to say then.
You haven’t been the easiest person to get to know, and sadly after all this while, you’re still that distant person. But there isn’t a single moment i’ve spent with you that i don’t cherish. That is why you should also know that i’m letting go not because you’re no longer important to me, if anything you’ve become almost an integral part of me. I’m letting go because i feel that everything has been one-sided and i don’t have the strength to keep pushing anymore. I truly believe that i have fought (real hard, if i might add) to be in your life. Maybe i’m the not the most patient or interesting person, but isn’t it the thought that counts? I had wished more times than you will ever know, to give me a sign, an acknowledgement, anything at all that tells me that you value this friendship as much i do. Well, if you do, you’ve hidden it pretty damn well.
I have never asked for anything more than a sincere friendship with you. But half the time all i feel is taken for granted. I have never had negative thoughts about you, but after everything… Well you’re pretty damn selfish.
So the ball’s in your court now. Your call. Not that it hasn’t been since day one. But this is it, this is the end. If you want me in your life as much as i would love to have you in mine, show me. I have proven myself but if you don’t feel that i have, if this is all just game to you, to push and pull and tug just to have me hover around for your convenience, then it wouldn’t at all be difficult for you to just up and leave this friendship like you did so many times before.
I have something i must tell you. Because
a) It’s the creepiest thing ever.
b) I’m so scared, i might doo-doo in my pants.
So last night, i felt so brave i decided to do away with my little night light. (I’ve slept with a night light every night for as long as i can remember. I’m such a baby.) MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. When i got into bed i started feeling a little scared. But i was thinking that i would fall asleep pretty quickly so it wasn’t worth the effort to get up and go turn my night light back on. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. So instead, i curled up between two pillows and threw my blanket over myself. MISTAKE NUMBER THREE.
So this happened… I was just laying in my bed, and thinking. You know that thing about your mind not shutting up when you’re trying go to bed. That. And the next thing i knew, i was looking at all these cartoon characters. They lived in a real world, our world, and they were everywhere. Like they were humans, and it was normal. ??? And i don’t know if they couldn’t see me or if they didn’t want to see me because i couldn’t speak throughout my dream, and when i tried to look them in the eye to try and get their attention, they either avoided me, or just looked right through me. Like i was invisible.
But the weirdest thing was, i knew what was going on. Somehow i knew that i was lying in my bed, and i was dreaming. And it felt as though i was awake and this was just me having some crazy imaginations, but i was asleep! But, awake at the same time? And then things started to get really creepy. All these cartoon characters started getting these creepy evil faces. So i somehow tried to consciously force myself to dream of happy things. But not even a second later these faces come back again!
And throughout the dream, there was this most uncomfortable feeling. I’m not even sure how to describe it. It’s feels like you’re on a boat in choppy waters, except, you’re in the air! And it feels as though you might just tip over and fall any second. Like sometimes when you sleep and you suddenly feel as if you’re falling and falling and then you jerk awake (i actually really REALLY like that. weird!) except this time, i didn’t fall. It felt like i was going to fall so i had to constantly “balance” myself.
And then guess what. All of a sudden this creepy, humongous female cartoon, who i could’ve sworn looked like Jafar from Aladdin (if he were a girl), walked up to me with her nasty evil-looking face and started to strangle me! I could feel myself trying to lift my hand ups to loosen her grip, not in the dream, but literally lift my hands up. And again while all of this was happening, i knew i was dreaming! I was so so scared and i tried to dream her away. (It still feels weird that i could just instantly change my dream like that).
All the while i could hear myself repeating in my mind, “Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.”; “Dream of Achele.”; dream of this; dream of that. And the dream was good.
For a little while.
I dreamt of real, living, breathing humans. Dancers, for i haven’t got the slightest clue why. But when these dancers turn to smile at me, they’re heads starting popping into faces of cartoon characters! I was scared waaay beyond the point of being able to doo-doo in my pants. I just froze. And i could feel myself struggling to get my mind to wake up! It sounds weird and unimaginable, but i was consciously forcing myself to wake up. It was so difficult. I was blinking really quickly and i could still see faint images of the faces against the blanket over my head. And i couldn’t move. It was as though i was paralysed! I just couldn’t move, like i had no control over my limbs! Eventually i woke up (fully), barely regaining control over my body, a little groggy, but awake nonetheless. And my hands were on my neck and it really felt as though i had been strangled. I jumped out of my bed immediately and i turned on all the lights in my room. Thankfully sleep was peaceful after that.
So i thought what i had was a lucid dream but then i googled and found out that the symptoms of my “dream” was somewhat like Sleep Paralysis. Which explained that feelings of danger, panic or anxiety was common. Coupled with (usually scary) hallucinations.
My god, was it a crazy experience or what. My room lights are definitely going to remain on for the next few nights (WEEKS).
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
It’s been a pretty crazy 17 years and, if i’m lucky, another 60 more to come. Life has taken me on a ridiculous roller coaster ride, with unimaginable ups and downs i have yet to find appreciation for.
Something i learnt from Lit class: Deviant vs Norm.
There are things, on the most basic level, that are expected of us as individuals. The way we carry ourselves, the way we live life, and generally just the way we are as human beings. Humanity and its entirety is a concept i might never grasp. For instance, who’s to dictate the things we so readily accept as the “right way” or the “norm” as they are? Who’s to rebuke that it isn’t? Who’s to label any individual brave enough to stand on their own, away from the flow of the rest of society, so that they can live a life they so wished? That we so wish but lack the courage to pursue.
“Live fast, die young” i thence presume is a way of life of the deviants. Because exciting but short-lived is better than long but dreary? Why do we persist to live a way of life we wish nothing more than to be rid of? So many unanswerable questions…
While things have been going great recently, i can’t seem to shake this empty feeling that’s been nagging at me lately. There are so many things i still can’t wrap my head around. Far too many for my liking. But i’m not a little girl anymore. I’ve grown up and ‘Fair” is word that doesn’t exist in a grown up’s vocabulary. We’ll learn, far too soon, that the real world is a cruel place. No tolerance for anything less than perfect and no place for the weak.
So an accumulation of the ‘norms’ has allowed me to meander through 17 years worth of unchartered territories . But imagine another 60 years of meandering. Is that really living? Or simply just existing. I see no end to this tunnel, and i see no light at the end of said tunnel. My life thus far has been nothing more than a mere list of places to go and things to do. Predictable and safe. Safe. That’s no way to live.
So i’ve already received 3 out of my 6 papers and not a single one was good enough. Honestly though, i can’t say that i’m surprised. Afterall, i didn’t put in enough effort. The biggest disappointment thus far is definitely my chinese. I mean, who in the world scores 6/60 for a composition paper. Really? Really?! What’s worse, i can feel it in my gut (i swear), that this isn’t the worst yet.
Some people think enough effort means studying most days of the week or long hours into the night, i say enough effort is when you know that that’s the best you’ve got and that you’ve given it your all. And i clearly haven’t. There’s still disappointment though, because i know i did study. I really really did. But then again, i also know that it wasn’t my best, i could’ve put in a whole lot more effort.
Which reminds me, i honestly can’t understand the mentality of some really selfish douchebags. Like, why would you ever —even if secretly —wish for someone to fail (metaphorically) just so you can “prove” yourself? Do you really have such little self-worth? The thing about exams is that it’s nothing but a competition, but it doesn’t mean it always has to be a bad thing. One thing’s for sure though, at the end of the day, unless you’re that selfish douchebag without a heart, more often than not, the results you get back are gonna make you sad anyways.
Because most of the time either :
a) You’ll do badly (obviously you’ll be sad, duh.) Or,
b) You’ll do well, but instead of a sincere pat on the back, you’ll have to tolerate people’s snide remarks.
Which is absotively posilutely ridiculous. So please, the next time you’re rewarded for anything, anything at all, unless you’re sure the person doesn’t deserve it (because he cheated, or lied, or stole, or robbed, or killed) shut your pie hole! Shut it up because you know they’ve worked for it and instead of being downright ungracious about it, get off your lazy ass and do something about yourself.
And people who are being rewarded, there’s no need to flaunt it in our faces either. Because then, you really do deserve the verbal abuse.
On a side-note, I realised that i’m always attracted to people who has this air of mystery about them. Like they’re indecipherable. Or quirky and different. Like they’re a bundle of unpredictability (no, not in the PMS way). It doesn’t necessarily mean attracted attracted, just attracted as in drawn to, wanting to make friends or know more about them, etc etc. Maybe it’s because i’ve found that these kinds of people make one of the best friends. Because they’re rarely superficial people (note: rarely. There always are exceptions) and when they start unravelling their own mysteries for you, you know that it means something. I guess i’m just a sucker for deep, meaningful, (most importantly) lasting friendships.
Best Friends For Life And Our Future Kids’ Lives Too?
Like, erm, BFF is sooo yesterday. *bitch face*
Gosh. This is so mushy. I’m never doing it again.
This isn’t right… The rain should be pelting down on me and the radio should be playing sappy music… Danny pondered. In his mind melodramatically playing out how the scene should have been. The car ride wasn’t long at all. Barely 30 minutes, but it might as well have been a full 30 hours, or so it seemed…
Pivotal doesn’t even begin to cover the significance of this transition. Life-changing didn’t sound enough either— that was how important it was. But for all that was wrong in the world, not a single emotion laced his chubby young face. The continual purrs of the Volkswagen faded into oblivion. And peering beyond his reflection in the clear glass was all he could do to suppress the tides that crashed against his eyes. The discomfort of the uncomfortable silence. The unfamiliar face of his father he could not bare to stand.
Unfamiliar? Father? Two words that should never have to go together in a sentence as such.
Oh, how tragically he doesn’t know that this would henceforth be the only coherent sentence he could form with regards to it.
Days like these made Danny allude himself to that of a baby bird. He was young, sure he was. But he was also about to take flight.
Now, if i were a mother bird, it would seem only natural for my heart to swell with pride while my baby spreads his wings. Never more ready in his life to take that plunge out of my nest and into the great big world beyond! But sometimes, only very few times, little baby bird doesn’t make it. He doesn’t open his wings. Or he didn’t have enough strength. Or maybe — just maybe — i pushed him when he wasn’t yet ready. But i can’t save him, he’s out of my nest now! If anything, all that’s left is a silent prayer. So he slams, face first, into the merciless ground. But wait! He doesn’t die. He’s injured. Well that’s a relief, maybe i should fly off now.
So Danny packs his bags. He had barely a wink the night before, spent a jittery afternoon among the other ‘baby birds’, and was pushed, beyond his limits, into the merciless ground.
He wasn’t little baby Danny anymore. I hate how you remind me of your father. He didn’t belong to the nest, that much was made clear.
Right now i’m in a bad place. Heading down a dark road. Regressing to old habits.
“Have i hit rock bottom?” was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. I’m supposed to be heading back up the murky waters by now. The dark waters with little to no light shining on it. No one can see the flailing off my hands or hear the shortness of my breaths. I try so hard to keep my head above the waters. I do. Now i mock my own contradicting thoughts. I can’t be my own prince charming. How can i?
You know what would be nice? A rib-crushing-paralysing-suffocating hug.
Everyone needs a little love. Everyone needs a little love from a stranger now and then. Because for some odd reason, it feels really good. Maybe a friendly smile, or a little chat. Or you know… that rib-crushing-paralysing-suffocating hug. Wait, before you go off hugging strangers like 70 year old pervy old men on the street, i don’t mean strangers like that. I mean strangers like… an unfamiliar acquaintance at the very least?
There is a really big part of me that enjoys trying new things. And part of trying those new things is meeting new people. I’ve done quite a couple of things on my own now (mostly because i have to…) and you’d be surprised at all the different kinds of people you’ll strike a conversation with when you’re away from the safety net of everything familiar. Essentially, being on your own forces you to have to meet new people.
I remember ever meeting the most adventurous 20-odd year old while i was in Vietnam. God, was she fearless. She was back-packing, all alone, through Asia. Which is really far from home for her considering she’s European and all that. You’d never believe how envious i was of her.
Don’t get me wrong, most times, it gets frustrating having to do things on my own. But at the end of the day i find myself becoming that much braver, that much more independent.
Which reminds me. My #ERMission has been a complete flop. Supposedly i should’ve been done with doing 30 new things by the end of last month. But guess how many i did….. drumroooooll…. THREE! That is just pathetic. Although i do have to admit, despite doing only three things, it has already gotten me so psyched. The adrenaline was unbelievable. I honestly don’t know if i’ll be able to reach my goal though.