I did something i’ve been wanting to do for a long time coming. It didn’t turn out to be anything like what i expected it to be but still it did seem like a good first step, albeit a small one.
Emotions are a difficult thing for me to compartmentalise. And negative emotions… let’s just say i have the emotional capacity of a 3 year old little girl. The pervasive feeling of needing to start being honest about everything i’m feeling is overwhelming. I sometimes forget that not everyone is as accepting as i hope people to be. So i forget to reign myself in. I forget to filter my thoughts and i forget that i can be a little too blunt.
Being called tactless, unfortunately, is not something i’m new to. I do have a tendency to voice my opinions (even under unnecessary circumstances) and discontentment a little too strongly. Just the number of times i’ve felt embarrassed when reflecting back on things that i said/did is more than proof of it. But then i go and do it all over again. Because the one thing i can’t get myself to understand is why do we all feel such need to hold back? Because it is social etiquette? I’m not saying that i’m the kind of person who has no control over her mouth. I don’t just blurt everything i think. But i do offend people easily. And some say it can come off as arrogance (i hope not).
Either way, honesty is me admitting my awareness of this glaring flaw of mine.
Honesty is me recognising that i have to stop blaming my environment for how i am and how i behave. (because today i learnt that greater change can be achieved if i start learning to internalise my problems instead of externalising them)
Honesty is me admitting that change is difficult for me.
Honesty is me saying, i sometimes come off as standoffish because (for reasons i myself do not know of yet) i more often than not, don’t want to converse with the people i’m made to converse with. That conversation feels forced and it annoys me. But at the same time i don’t want to go off blurting offensive things like “i’m not interested” or “please just shut it”.
So now would you rather i be honest, or distant?
“Does no one want to know the truth here, Mr. Archer? The real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!”