ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Month: August, 2012

Honesty Isn’t The Best Policy

by retrodiction

NYUK.

I did something i’ve been wanting to do for a long time coming. It didn’t turn out to be anything like what i expected it to be but still it did seem like a good first step, albeit a small one.
 
Emotions are a difficult thing for me to compartmentalise. And negative emotions… let’s just say i have the emotional capacity of a 3 year old little girl. The pervasive feeling of needing to start being honest about everything i’m feeling is overwhelming. I sometimes forget that not everyone is as accepting as i hope people to be. So i forget to reign myself in. I forget to filter my thoughts and i forget that i can be a little too blunt.

Being called tactless, unfortunately, is not something i’m new to. I do have a tendency to voice my opinions (even under unnecessary circumstances) and discontentment a little too strongly. Just the number of times i’ve felt embarrassed when reflecting back on things that i said/did is more than proof of it. But then i go and do it all over again. Because the one thing i can’t get myself to understand is why do we all feel such need to hold back? Because it is social etiquette? I’m not saying that i’m the kind of person who has no control over her mouth. I don’t just blurt everything i think. But i do offend people easily. And some say it can come off as arrogance (i hope not).
 
Either way, honesty is me admitting my awareness of this glaring flaw of mine.
Honesty is me recognising that i have to stop blaming my environment for how i am and how i behave. (because today i learnt that greater change can be achieved if i start learning to internalise my problems instead of externalising them)
Honesty is me admitting that change is difficult for me.
Honesty is me saying, i sometimes come off as standoffish because (for reasons i myself do not know of yet) i more often than not, don’t want to converse with the people i’m made to converse with. That conversation feels forced and it annoys me. But at the same time i don’t want to go off blurting offensive things like “i’m not interested” or “please just shut it”.

 

So now would you rather i be honest, or distant?
 

“Does no one want to know the truth here, Mr. Archer? The real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!”

 

Seasoned Changes

by retrodiction

What it is, is raw with nerves
Exposed it aches
With yearning
Grows sour hour by hour such power
This feeling —
Unending

Pause.

Stop. Halt. Jerk.
I command!
No, it does not work,
Notwithstanding my demand.

See now, how it affects me.
My bundle of nerves pinned to your sleeves,
Along with you it leaves.
Like leaves, turn yellow while summer leaves.
 
Fall to my death come autumn.
My death, if beautiful or wise,
Found only in the mind of my receiver.
I am parched.
What i would give for my life giver.

Chilled to my bones come winter.
Separated,
No roots no trees.
The bells of heaven, they ring.
I might not live
To see flowers bloom in spring.

But rebirth I must, and
Thaw again.
For in every summer
My bundle of nerves remember
Your sleeves.
 

by retrodiction

#No Name

by retrodiction

13th August 2012.

There were no signs of which I could have told.
Your face though new was nothing unfamiliar so.
How quick time had made my heart yours to hold,
But flanked by seas we remain two separate souls.

No thousand years could have made me more bold,
Than when in mine your hands laced, like it was home.
Time, though fleet, seemed more valuable than gold,
Cursed fate would leave me again to roam.

Your smile, time’s fingers would pry from my mind.
Our whispered secrets now no more sacred,
For soon we’ll part and leave this all behind.
Yet be this so, i feel all but hatred.

Your ambiguity can make or break,
But if ’tis a dream, then let me never wake.

 

Pure Imagination

by retrodiction

When your dreams start to come true there’s only two kinds of feelings you can possibly feel. Either you rejoice that it really is all you wanted and more, or you realise that it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Right now i’m hovering somewhere in between. Not too sure if this dream is as amazing as i think it is, or if i actually don’t really want it anymore.

No no, I’m not saying Cambridge is bad or anything, i’m just not sure it matches up to the importance i’ve placed on it. I have wrapped my head, so stubbornly, around the idea of escaping the mundane and thoroughly un-fufilling life that is Singapore that I hadn’t even realised the real reason why i wanted it so bad. Well… maybe i had, but didn’t really admit it. (And not admitting it makes it nonexistent?)

I think maybe, my dream has always been more of an escape than anything.

You’re an escapist.
Really? Is that really how i deal with things?
You run when things get hard, you ignore things you don’t like and everything else, you sweep under the rug.
Feelings aren’t something i’ve been taught to share.
I’m starting to think feelings are something you don’t have.
Anger is a feeling. Probably annoyance too. That’s pretty much all that people make me feel these days.

Unfortunately, today i realised that wherever i go things won’t be much different. There isn’t much distance you can put between you and your shadows.
 

On a happier note, i’ve met some really amaaaazing people here. Like this group of 3 Indian girls in my English Literature class. Hilarious and crazy and all that.
 

sand dunes of time

by retrodiction

I haven’t been updating lately. Seems like i can’t gather my thoughts into coherent enough sentences so… meh.
 
Moving alooong. Did i tell you just how EXCITED i am to be going to UK tomorrow. It seems so surreal. For the longest time ever, it’s been the only place i’ve wanted to go. Well, it’s only for a school trip and i’ll most probably be studying half the time, but IT’S THE GREAT BRITAIN MY FELLOW LOVEABLE WORDPRESSERS. I CANNOT CONTAIN MY OVERFLOWING EXCITEMENT AND PURE UNADULTERATED JOY. *prancing-to-imaginary-happy-music*

Also, i’ve always been saying how it’ll be like a dream come true to be studying there, but all of a sudden New York seems all too appealing. Which brings me to the one thing that doesn’t ever leave my mind. My academics. It seems pretty silly to be worrying all the time, but i do. I do worry. And i go over every possible horrible scenario and my god, is it bad! What if i don’t promote, or what if i don’t graduate. Or worse still, what if i graduate with unsatisfactory results. Good enough to graduate but not good enough to go anywhere i desire. What if i don’t get to live my dreams. What if i grow old stuck to a desk in a nine-to-five job i hate but can’t quit because i’ve got a family to feed and a husband who hates my guts as much as i hate his but can’t divorce because without this hate, i’d be an empty shell of a person. And a spinster with 99 cats. What normal person doesn’t worry about these things. Right…?

 
Another thing, if you ever have kids in the future please remember to tell them this:

You are not spoilt or rotten, unworthy or hopeless. You aren’t any of the bad things they try to label you with. While from time to time you might do something i’d frown upon, it doesn’t define who you are. If something is a mistake, then that act that you’ve committed, that’s bad. You, you’re not. No child is. (Discounting extremely mentally unsound individuals) And i wish nothing more than for you to push the buttons of the world and live by your own rules.