ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Month: September, 2012

That Makes Two Of Us

by retrodiction

You ignite in glorious rays by day,

And shine by night with the brightest whites of light.

A North star lounged in luminous nests of glitter.

I branded blind faith in you to lead me home,

As your sweet sea breezes whisper, “Come hither!”

 

But turquoise green turn eerily

Black and icy roaring the wrath of a kraken while

You the anchor now clearly

A deadweight with your invisible bolts and chains wrapped

Taut they wind and intertwine prodding for

The pain I have not yet wept.

 

Water and air morphed to mortal enemies of

Your rusted engines in

Time covertly coating barely blunted edges

But bitter soot stains most

Permanently ignoring my urges

Of overstayed invitations to an impertinent host

Tacking its mark on a heart blackened at

Best no less a machine or more a

Man furled with a world’s worth of incessant indignity.

 

I had meant to ride the waves

The crests and falls with

Unparalleled poise fighting only to stave

Off your relentless rifts

For helm to a ship stripped of bare necessities each

Time you sting triumph from reason

Logic decidedly dispensable to emotion, you preach.

 

How do we remember when we were set like planks adrift?

Or how did we forget great tranquil waters?

No bit more briny than the air we breath

Like you and me, before I falter

Fused into a single entity.

 

Nothing is distinct,

Where I end and you begin.

Yet a separation must make haste for I think,

You, my wayward heart has been…

Too much of a hassle.

But what will we be, you the captain or I —

A vessel.

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Jaded

by retrodiction

The fear of failure always gets to you more than having actually failed.

Have you ever not want to try something, not get started on something because you are just that unsure of whether you’re going to be able to pull through and succeed? Life is nothing but a series of uncertainties, but even that i’m not used to yet. I want to go places, meet people and do fulfilling things, and i know those are still a long long time away but i cannot even begin to imagine how miserable i would be if i cannot accomplish those things. And these thoughts alone, are the only thing that’s holding me back. I’m so afraid of failing that I’m holding myself back. It’s a vicious cycle you see.

Fear of failing → Hesitant to try → Try but not able to put my best foot forward → Panic, faint and/or die → FAIL → Jaded and afraid of future failures → Repeat process.
 

Disillusioned

by retrodiction

No, you don’t love her. You can’t love her. Can’t you see it, she’s unloveable. Look at her. Look! Not just see. The flaws are overwhelming. So glaringly obvious even the sight of her scares me.

Sometimes i look at her and i see bright, cheery, joyful faces. Most times i look at her, and all i can think of is ‘Why do you even exist?’ No one cares for it, so why? I know you’ll all say i’m being overly-harsh and just plain cruel. But honestly, if you knew her, even half as well i do,  you’d see that what i’m saying is merely an understatement.

It’s so pathetic to see. Watch her go picking and choosing when already there is nobody left for her to pick or choose. Listen to her, whine and whine, what exactly is it that she wants?! Look at that smile, plastered over her face. She doesn’t mean any of the things she say.

The Great Pretender! Lying is what i call it.

Pay attention, and you’ll find her desperately hiding the sad fact that she doesn’t belong here. She doesn’t belong in our world. Maybe she ought to be banished to some secret world. Far off and out of reach. No, not a secret world like Narnia. Nothing magical.  Maybe a secret world like where the Gorgons live. Or like labyrinths filled with Minotaurs. Or Groundhog day, in hell.

All i’m saying is… How can you love her when even they don’t. Someone should just tell her the truth. Tell her how repulsive she really is. Tell her how she thinks she’s all that when really… she’s nothing.

She’s a cold, unfeeling, waste of a person. Not as incapable of emotions as a machine, but not deserving of human emotions either.

She’s unloveable.

 

Happy As A Lark

by retrodiction

This is why i live. For moments like this. Simple moments where i’m struck with bouts of joy. Unexplainable, irrepressible giddy bundles of happiness that leave me smiling from ear to ear till the muscles in my face ache. My heart will flutter, my head will feel light, everyone and everything will appear funnier than they ought to be, and there will be no need for a reason. No good things have to happen, no particular person to make it happen, no need for sweet words of any sort. Just pure, unadulterated joy because life just feels that good.

I could invent a machine that bottles joy. Imagine having an unlimited supply of bottled joy. Joy Full i’ll call it. (So puny) And i’ll give it out for free, because i have an endless supply. Fountains and fountains of it. I might need it the most though.

These moments are too rare, too short-lived. They feel the best but they don’t come often. Why don’t they come often?

You’re A Happy Heart

by retrodiction

I thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

E.E Cummings

We are watching the waves

by retrodiction

hovercraftdoggy

wave underwater photograph photo photography ocean water sea surfing sports amazing wave image nature

Abstract underwater photograph by Vince Cavataio

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It’s On You.

by retrodiction

How bad do you need to want something that it’s bad enough for it to want to come to you too?

How much effort are you going to put in?

How determined are you to overcome your obstacles?

How much willpower are you going to display?

How much longer are you willing to let this take control of your life?

Life is not always fair. You don’t always reap what you sow… But if you sow nothing, you will most definitely reap Nothing. 

It’s about time you snapped out of it. Look and see where this has taken you. Nowhere. None closer, and if it’s even possible, farther from your goal. How much more of a failure do you need to be before you’ll get yourself together. Pick your shit up and piece yourself back together this instant. Or i’m pretty sure behind the counters of McDonald’s is where you’re gonna be for the rest of your life.