ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Month: October, 2012

Part2.

by retrodiction

Love from a father, a mother, a lover.
Love from a friend, life most oft deliver.
Try as they might to be invincible,
Lord knows, love is anything save simple.
Primly laced to hide the tattered edges,
Pepper prayers to fix the broken bridges,
“If you ignore it, it doesn’t exist”
That is a code we willingly persist.
Such a perfect picture it is we paint,
To hide from a life we refuse to taint.
So mar the soul and will it to implode.
Pay penance for the now neglected load.
 

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10 Hardest Things To Do In Life

by retrodiction

(In my opinion.)

1. Waking up and getting to school/work in time on a rainy day.
Almost nearly impossible because i already have separation anxieties from leaving my bed on a normal day. So… yeah.
 
2. Not singing along that hella fine music playing on your iPod.
 
3. Make being happy your utmost priority.
“If you don’t enjoy it, then don’t do it.” Why is this so hard to do?
 
4. Feeling contented.
It’s both a good and a bad thing though, no? Feeling unsatisfied makes you work harder for more, but what if we’re unsatisfied all the time.
 
5. Being true to who you are.
Some days are harder than others, but they say “It Gets Better”. Do they really though.
 
6. Taking that last piece of chicken/fish/(insert relevant food here) when you’re eating in a group.
Maybe it’s because i’m Asian. But that last piece, almost always gets left behind.
 
7. Accepting things that are different.
Like the fact that some people don’t need to believe in a divine power to be happy, or that some people are happier loving someone of the same sex. Even if we can’t understand it, we should at least respect it. Preferably though, you would at least try to understand it.
 
8. Showing appreciation for the things we have.
Like that person who’s always been there.
Have i ever told you how much i love you and how thankful i am to have you in my life? THHHHHHHHHHISSSSSSSS much. And so much more.
 
9. Staying courageous, and spontaneous, and imaginative, and all the other things that make children so wonderful.
 
10. Forgiving yourself
Things just don’t come any harder than that. Yet at the same time, nothing is more necessary than that.
(unless of course, you’re one of those people who are just “never at fault”.)
 

Part 1.

by retrodiction

Tomorrow is a brand new day,
Isn’t that what they always say.
Good things can come out of the blue,
As likely to happen to you,
As any of Davy Jone’s crew.
But great things now, they’re far and few.
Question not from whence they hail,
Instead take heed in old wives’ tales,
Some things in life you cannot flout.
They tell me you can’t shut pain out,
Without too, denying all you love.
Yet what purpose does it serve,
When great love comes as far and few.
 

Toska

by retrodiction

Have you ever just lied wide awake at night, physically and mentally exhausted, yet your mind is still running at a thousand miles per hour. Like a freight train speeding for a head on collision into a dead end, a brick wall. And you find that there is nothing coherent about these thoughts. You skip from one memory to another before you even had the time to process the very first one. Nothing makes sense, and you wish your mind would’ve just listened when you yelled “SHUT UP” the first three times. (Silently, of course) But all you feel is the weight of the world pressing down on you, suffocating you. And never before have you felt so small, so insignificant.

Sometimes in these moments I can hear a ringing in my ear. The most persistent and annoying ringing that does nothing but add to the noise my mind makes. It’s as if there’s a circus going on around me but I’m the only one who can hear it. Someone once asked me, what if this ringing held the secret messages of the Universe. Secret messages not meant for our ears. So what if, just what if, these messages were exactly what we need. A simple solution, a word of assurance, maybe a familiar comfort.

At worse times I can feel my heart changing. That thing where your heart feels as though it was expanding. Swelling and overflowing with emotions that it’s almost pressing against the bones that line your ribcage. It’s pressing into your lung’s personal space and you literally feel like you  Just. Can’t. Breathe. Your breathes are not long enough, deep enough, full enough. Yet it doesn’t stop expanding. Until your chest cavity feels like nothing else is there except for this swelling heart. Trapped tight in the limited space between the back of your ribcage and the front of your left shoulder blade.

But of course that’s not even remotely possible. It’s not physically possible for your heart to expand to this ridiculous size. Or for your lungs to feel like they aren’t working anymore even though, clearly, you’re still breathing. You’re still breathing. You’re still alive. And there just aren’t any words for it. There are no words for these utterly illogical things that you’re feeling. For how you feel. What you feel. Why you feel the way you feel.

It’s moments like these where I feel like I don’t recognise myself. Where I am, what I’m doing, or where I’m going. It’s like I’m like lost inside my mind. Sometimes it’s a labyrinth. Sometimes it’s a huge huge house filled with nothing but trapdoors. Other times, it’s just a white empty room. But always there isn’t a way out. I’ve been lost for a long while now, and all I’m afraid of is that I might never find my way back.