ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Month: June, 2013

but above all, guard your heart.

by retrodiction

The string tied below my left rib, where my heart is, branches out and connects me to all the people who have left their indelible marks on my life’s path. But one by one, I hear the snips of a scissor. And like the glint from its cool metallic surface, i see the meaning of these connections reflected back to me. Weakness, it says. Dependence, it mocks. Vulnerable, I whisper. And nothing scares me more than leaving my ribs open, exposing my fragile heart. So my own bare hands will sever these strings, and toss them into fire. And with my own two eyes I will watch as they burn, never to be recovered. And within the cage of my own bones, I will bleed inwardly.

 

But the significance of the death of these relations is not yet over. The knot i would tie at the end of this string, dangling from my left rib, signifies the end of my self. nothing goes out just as nothing gets in. Now i am as free as any with a clogged heart can be.

So i say, this new me, will sweep you off your feet with a charismatic charm. And intrigue you with my aloofness that likens me, no less, to the cold surface of the blade that ended my being. And my enigma, is a congregation of dead knots you could never untie. Layer upon layer upon layer of dead ends. My cold detachment will let me rationalise like you never could: I will be whoever you wish for me to be; say whatever you need me to say; do whatever you want me to do— I am a mould that will never set.

And at the end of it all, I will hold whoever I wish in the palm of my hands. Because this game of life is a test of wits. And the one who cares least wins.

Advertisements

so if you say it is, who am i to say it’s not.

by retrodiction

 

I do not know how to put pen to paper, or voice my thoughts.

they make as much sense to me as they do to you.

so, you see, your words they prick me with its callousness,

and now, as always, i sit and smile and nod, at your ignorance.

you assume, and you assume, and you assume,

that i am what you think and that you most understand,

but you cannot even begin to imagine, the depths of my despair.

you do not ask, you direct. and you have assigned me a blame most unfair.

inwardly my heart aches and cringes,

but you see my silent form, look to you,

as though dumb and mute.

and you say, ‘this attitude is fucked up!’

and you point all your fingers, and you pat me on the back.

and you say…. you are only concerned.

but, by no slip of the tongue, you say ‘buck up!’

then you dictate all my hard work to be worthless;

though you know naught of the lengths that i have gone to,

and the hells i have traversed, to save this minute dignity….

only so that i may bear to live.

so you ask, for my respect, that i should know,

what perils i subject to your accountability.

but dignified is not the man who asks, but who gives,

and in return receives.

so i do not know, what words can absolve me of my alleged crimes.

even the vilest murderers have a prosecution.

i know… i know.

my silence will be my undoing, but

 

 

that i must be, if my turbulent soul is to have reprieve.