ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Category: #ERmission

some kind of nostalgia

by retrodiction

So i think i finally figured out what i’m good at. Over-thinking. Melodrama. Leaving myself behind. (so it’s not always good to be good at something?)

I love to think. In fact, i realised that i love to think so much, i’m over doing it.


“They say that I can’t last a day in the real world. I say you wouldn’t survive one night in mine.”


And i think that’s completely true. The kind of outrageous bullshit my mind makes up, i don’t even know where it gets its ideas from. Sometimes i think that i have to act a certain way or say a certain thing because that’s what a certain emotion is supposed to be like. Sometimes, i even think that i have to do certain things like i’m in a movie and people are watching and i have to be convincing. (WHAT??) And these annoyingly pervasive thoughts make me so god damn melodramatic. I’m not even kidding right now.
(once, i sobbed like a crazy baby because my dad didn’t ask me to join him for dinner. CUCKOO ALERT!)

And the thing is, because i’m so melodramatically over-over-thinking, i always feel like my presence is not appreciated. And unless explicitly stated, i would more often than not decide to go my own. Which is really bad for someone who already barely has any friends.

But there are times where i do think that my fears are not unfounded. Maybe being left behind enough times can cause a person to rather just leave themselves out instead of having to be left out. I guess i’m just worried that this level of insecurity is just gonna keep rising. (which for the first time in my life had been pointed out by a person least expected.)

I just want to be a kid again. Where everything is good and pretty, and unicorns shitted rainbows.
This is just so unrealistic because i’m nostalgic for a thing that can never return.

I want to get rid of this wall, but then i don’t. It’s a barrier and a sanctuary all at the same time.


This is so confusing.


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the #ERmission.

by retrodiction

 

“Fear comes from the fact that you THINK you cannot act or will act incorrectly. But if you actually try, even though you’re scared as hell, you’ll often realize that these fears don’t have any foundations. They can be blown away if you just tell yourself you’ll do it no matter what. In many cases you’ll think that death is your worst case, but you have to realise, you’re over-exagerating.”

 

Ok, so i came across this quote (by Eleanor Roosevelt) the other day and it’s prolly really old and overused, but i still think it’s really really meaningful. And judging from my current lifestyle, a whole lot of change is gonna do me good. And just thinking about it already seems pretty intimidating, but i’m gonna try, for the next month or so, i’m gonna live by this quote. (because i fear nothing more than a life unlived)


So starting tomorrow (technically today) and everyday for the next month or so, i will do one new thing that not necessarily scares me, but is unfamiliar/new/uncomfortable to me. I’ll try to do at least thirty and i don’t know if i can do one everyday, so i’ll see how it goes.



Actually, the more i think about it, the more excited i feel.

So i guess i’ll let you know how it turns out then(: