ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Category: randum

Barely Breathing

by retrodiction

Occasionally, I get into one of these moods, where everything upsets me, and I want to punch somebody in the face. Then I want to spontaneously burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all — except, I can’t. I just can’t. My tear ducts just will not comply. And then I will watch Captain America (or whatever else happens to be on TV) and I will feel my heart ache, and my eyes will well up with tears, just because I find the movie so damn ridiculous. 

I mean, who runs a mile a minute with nothing but a shield and never, absolutely never, gets shot. Not even once. Those German soldiers must be one hell a bunch of rejects.

So this silly movie will make me feel thousands of negative emotions, and I won’t be able to focus on anything for the day (in fact, for days to come). But the best I can do, is only to recognise that I’m feeling these negative emotions. Negative representing a big umbrella of emotions I cannot even begin to describe. Not because I don’t want to, or that I can’t find the words for them, but mostly because I don’t recognise them.

I cannot tell frustration from sadness, or disappointment, or loneliness, or hurt. All I ever do is swing from anger to numbness with the snap of a finger. And if I’m lucky enough for it to be a good day, I overflow with joy. Like, “non-stop giggling, endless jokes and high on 10 cans of Red Bull” joy. The worst part of it all, is that I don’t even know what made a ‘good day’ good, and a ‘bad day’ bad. I cannot predict how I am going to feel the next morning, hell I don’t even know how I’m going to feel in the next ten minutes.

So right now, I’m somewhere between hopeless and numb. I woke up this way and it’s barely mid-afternoon but already, I can’t wait for the sun to set. Except, I have an endless list of important things to do, but I don’t feel the urgency for any of it. In fact, if it were up to me, I would probably curl up in bed for the next 7 days and hibernate. But then again, I wouldn’t be able to do anything but lie there, tossing and turning. The silence that fills my senses isn’t enough to drown out the noise inside my head — or the numbness inside my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone has felt any these things before, (of course there is, silly me) where my heart feels hollow and heavy, and it weighs on my ribcage and my lungs. And if I imagine— figuratively— what my heart looked like, I picture this organ the size of my fist; dull red like the colour of dried blood; fragile like the sun-dried leaf. It is frayed at the edges, and each crack is a vein that has long ran dry. And this overworked machine is an easily crumpled heart, falling in flakes like ashes in the wind. Ironic how something that feels so heavy, seems so weak and so light.

Yet this description is the epitome of my entire being.

I am sum of all my contradictions. My strengths are my weaknesses, and what I love, I also absolutely hate. I posses what I don’t want, and I want what I have left behind, threw away, abandoned.

I do not believe in wishes upon stars, or the eyelash I blew away. I much less believe in praying to a higher power for what I want. But today, like every other day, I will believe that I deserve to feel happy. That one day, I will stop single-handedly ruining my own life.

And until that day, I will believe that I can hold on.

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Pictorial: Leaves, Bricks & Cobblestones

by retrodiction

pictorial - leaves bricks and cobblestones

All of life is a puzzle— The roots that feed the trees to fit the leaves on winding branches; The multitude of bricks so similar yet uniquely different, stacks a castle in thin air; The cobblestones beneath your feet fixes a path out of nowhere, promising only to lead you somewhere, anywhere—  The world and I.

Yellowing for years to come, occasionally dusted and admired from afar. No, no hands. No touching. No changes to be made. There is only one way to complete this puzzle, only one path I can take, and when it’s done, it’ll be the perfect picture of a life that I have made. Then I’ll hang it on a wall, without meaning or purpose, but still I’ll take pride, because it is something that I made.

For far too long, unconsciously, that was how I have lived my life. For single purposes, and lists to adhere to, and places I must be, things I must do, words I must say, and endless endless streams of goals to achieve. It is, of course then, with no surprise, that I admit that satisfaction was not a feeling I could relate to. Ever the over-achiever, failure was never far from my sight, when really, there was nothing for me to fail at. Because in not living a life I could love, I have never really succeeded to begin with.

My place in this world begins and ends with a word that, unfortunately, still dominates my life: Money.

Money makes the world go round. There is nothing money can’t solve. Money buys happiness.

Misconception, misconception, downright delusional.

Surely, life has not been just that for you? You must think. And of course it wasn’t. Young, free-spirited children have no care for money. I cared about that blanket fort I built with my sister. I cared about my scraped knee and bleeding fingers. I cared about imagining places that don’t exist. And in those places I was anyone I wanted to be, doing only things that I loved. And my place in this world, was the bedroom that yesterday, was a castle; today, is a volcano; tomorrow, might be the moon.

But the blanket forts turned to tables and computers, scraped knees paled in comparison to sleepless nights, and the bedroom— has but one practical use anymore.

These were the pieces to my puzzle for a “prefect” life.

The world is as static as I am unchanging, and this puzzle is all but a permanent fixture on an otherwise dull wall.

10 Hardest Things To Do In Life

by retrodiction

(In my opinion.)

1. Waking up and getting to school/work in time on a rainy day.
Almost nearly impossible because i already have separation anxieties from leaving my bed on a normal day. So… yeah.
 
2. Not singing along that hella fine music playing on your iPod.
 
3. Make being happy your utmost priority.
“If you don’t enjoy it, then don’t do it.” Why is this so hard to do?
 
4. Feeling contented.
It’s both a good and a bad thing though, no? Feeling unsatisfied makes you work harder for more, but what if we’re unsatisfied all the time.
 
5. Being true to who you are.
Some days are harder than others, but they say “It Gets Better”. Do they really though.
 
6. Taking that last piece of chicken/fish/(insert relevant food here) when you’re eating in a group.
Maybe it’s because i’m Asian. But that last piece, almost always gets left behind.
 
7. Accepting things that are different.
Like the fact that some people don’t need to believe in a divine power to be happy, or that some people are happier loving someone of the same sex. Even if we can’t understand it, we should at least respect it. Preferably though, you would at least try to understand it.
 
8. Showing appreciation for the things we have.
Like that person who’s always been there.
Have i ever told you how much i love you and how thankful i am to have you in my life? THHHHHHHHHHISSSSSSSS much. And so much more.
 
9. Staying courageous, and spontaneous, and imaginative, and all the other things that make children so wonderful.
 
10. Forgiving yourself
Things just don’t come any harder than that. Yet at the same time, nothing is more necessary than that.
(unless of course, you’re one of those people who are just “never at fault”.)
 

Happy As A Lark

by retrodiction

This is why i live. For moments like this. Simple moments where i’m struck with bouts of joy. Unexplainable, irrepressible giddy bundles of happiness that leave me smiling from ear to ear till the muscles in my face ache. My heart will flutter, my head will feel light, everyone and everything will appear funnier than they ought to be, and there will be no need for a reason. No good things have to happen, no particular person to make it happen, no need for sweet words of any sort. Just pure, unadulterated joy because life just feels that good.

I could invent a machine that bottles joy. Imagine having an unlimited supply of bottled joy. Joy Full i’ll call it. (So puny) And i’ll give it out for free, because i have an endless supply. Fountains and fountains of it. I might need it the most though.

These moments are too rare, too short-lived. They feel the best but they don’t come often. Why don’t they come often?

swish swoosh swosh

by retrodiction

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

 
 
It’s been a pretty crazy 17 years and, if i’m lucky, another 60 more to come. Life has taken me on a ridiculous roller coaster ride, with unimaginable ups and downs i have yet to find appreciation for.

Something i learnt from Lit class: Deviant vs Norm.

There are things, on the most basic level, that are expected of us as individuals. The way we carry ourselves, the way we live life, and generally just the way we are as human beings. Humanity and its entirety is a concept i might never grasp. For instance, who’s to dictate the things we so readily accept as the “right way” or the “norm” as they are? Who’s to rebuke that it isn’t? Who’s to label any individual brave enough to stand on their own, away from the flow of the rest of society, so that they can live a life they so wished? That we so wish but lack the courage to pursue.
“Live fast, die young” i thence presume is a way of life of the deviants. Because exciting but short-lived is better than long but dreary? Why do we persist to live a way of life we wish nothing more than to be rid of? So many unanswerable questions…

While things have been going great recently, i can’t seem to shake this empty feeling that’s been nagging at me lately. There are so many things i still can’t wrap my head around. Far too many for my liking. But i’m not a little girl anymore. I’ve grown up and ‘Fair” is word that doesn’t exist in a grown up’s vocabulary. We’ll learn, far too soon, that the real world is a cruel place. No tolerance for anything less than perfect and no place for the weak.

So an accumulation of the ‘norms’ has allowed me to meander through 17 years worth of unchartered territories . But imagine another 60 years of meandering. Is that really living? Or simply just existing. I see no end to this tunnel, and i see no light at the end of said tunnel. My life thus far has been nothing more than a mere list of places to go and things to do. Predictable and safe. Safe. That’s no way to live.
 

sowed nothing? well, reap nothing then.

by retrodiction

So i’ve already received 3 out of my 6 papers and not a single one was good enough. Honestly though, i can’t say that i’m surprised. Afterall, i didn’t put in enough effort. The biggest disappointment thus far is definitely my chinese. I mean, who in the world scores 6/60 for a composition paper. Really? Really?! What’s worse, i can feel it in my gut (i swear), that this isn’t the worst yet.

Some people think enough effort means studying most days of the week or long hours into the night, i say enough effort is when you know that that’s the best you’ve got and that you’ve given it your all. And i clearly haven’t. There’s still disappointment though, because i know i did study. I really really did. But then again, i also know that it wasn’t my best, i could’ve put in a whole lot more effort.

Which reminds me, i honestly can’t understand the mentality of some really selfish douchebags. Like, why would you ever —even if secretly —wish for someone to fail (metaphorically) just so you can “prove” yourself? Do you really have such little self-worth? The thing about exams is that it’s nothing but a competition, but it doesn’t mean it always has to be a bad thing. One thing’s for sure though, at the end of the day, unless you’re that selfish douchebag without a heart, more often than not, the results you get back are gonna make you sad anyways.

Because most of the time either :
a) You’ll do badly (obviously you’ll be sad, duh.) Or,
b) You’ll do well, but instead of a sincere pat on the back, you’ll have to tolerate people’s snide remarks.

Which is absotively posilutely ridiculous. So please, the next time you’re rewarded for anything, anything at all, unless you’re sure the person doesn’t deserve it (because he cheated, or lied, or stole, or robbed, or killed) shut your pie hole! Shut it up because you know they’ve worked for it and instead of being downright ungracious about it, get off your lazy ass and do something about yourself.

And people who are being rewarded, there’s no need to flaunt it in our faces either. Because then, you really do deserve the verbal abuse.
 
 
On a side-note, I realised that i’m always attracted to people who has this air of mystery about them. Like they’re indecipherable. Or quirky and different. Like they’re a bundle of unpredictability (no, not in the PMS way). It doesn’t necessarily mean attracted attracted, just attracted as in drawn to, wanting to make friends or know more about them, etc etc. Maybe it’s because i’ve found that these kinds of people make one of the best friends. Because they’re rarely superficial people (note: rarely. There always are exceptions) and when they start unravelling their own mysteries for you, you know that it means something. I guess i’m just a sucker for deep, meaningful, (most importantly) lasting friendships.
 
 

20 things about my bfflaofklt

by retrodiction

Best Friends For Life And Our Future Kids’ Lives Too?
Like, erm, BFF is sooo yesterday. *bitch face*
 

  1. She sometimes does this weird snore when she sleeps.
  2. Her soft toy has a weird name which she likes to insist people cannot pronounce though we CLEARLY say it the same.
  3. I don’t think i’ve ever openly admit that she’s my best-est friend ever.
  4. She likes to whine about how her dog loves me more.
  5. Her mom used to hate me. I swear. Literally hate.
  6. I think she secretly enjoys my sweet kisses but refuses to admit it!
  7. Think of any slightly uncommon food. I bet she has never eaten it.
  8. She never complains, even when i throw tantrums at her. Awww ♥♥♥♥.
  9. She loves me even though she knows my dirty little secrets;)
  10. She’s the most loyal and trustworthy person i’ve ever met.
  11. She one of my best studying partners ever.
  12. She doesn’t change her impressions about people easily. Almost never.
  13. We don’t talk often but when we do, it’s like we see each other everyday.
  14. She doesn’t open up easily.
  15. When she’s in Rage Mode, she turns into Godzilla. You better run.
  16. I love how she tells me she i’m the only one she tells almost everything to(:
  17. I think she and her future partner will never quarrel because she never argues with people she’s madly in love with. HAHA.
  18. She’s kind and generous, but she’s no pushover.
  19. If she reads this, I bet she’ll know i’m talking about her but will be too shy to say so.
  20. I love you la. :*

 
 
Gosh. This is so mushy. I’m never doing it again.
 

the perfect stranger

by retrodiction

You know what would be nice? A rib-crushing-paralysing-suffocating hug.

Everyone needs a little love. Everyone needs a little love from a stranger now and then. Because for some odd reason, it feels really good. Maybe a friendly smile, or a little chat. Or you know… that rib-crushing-paralysing-suffocating hug. Wait, before you go off hugging strangers like 70 year old pervy old men on the street, i don’t mean strangers like that. I mean strangers like… an unfamiliar acquaintance at the very least?

There is a really big part of me that enjoys trying new things. And part of trying those new things is meeting new people. I’ve done quite a couple of things on my own now (mostly because i have to…) and you’d be surprised at all the different kinds of people you’ll strike a conversation with when you’re away from the safety net of everything familiar. Essentially, being on your own forces you to have to meet new people.

I remember ever meeting the most adventurous 20-odd year old while i was in Vietnam. God, was she fearless. She was back-packing, all alone, through Asia. Which is really far from home for her considering she’s European and all that. You’d never believe how envious i was of her.

Don’t get me wrong, most times, it gets frustrating having to do things on my own. But at the end of the day i find myself becoming that much braver, that much more independent.

Which reminds me. My #ERMission has been a complete flop. Supposedly i should’ve been done with doing 30 new things by the end of last month. But guess how many i did….. drumroooooll…. THREE! That is just pathetic. Although i do have to admit, despite doing only three things, it has already gotten me so psyched. The adrenaline was unbelievable. I honestly don’t know if i’ll be able to reach my goal though.

 

pick-up sticks

by retrodiction

One two three, pick-up sticks.

One for the girl undaunted and brave,
Comfort, solace through the cords,
Hot breaths!
From a thousand miles away.
Trembling hands, unchartered lands,
    One stick for the girl of age ten.

One reaps two, then three and four,
Like how one door closes only to open more.
Pick up that book, maybe
Pray to the heavens,
“Be careful with those sticks,
the rules say only one, not more!”
    Three more sticks,
    For the little girl to bear.

One other for a child in a house not a home,
Six years and counting.
Eyes clouded, but heart still pounding.
Impenetrable! Unconquerable!
    Five, six, seven,
    For the girl building walls
    Out of pick up sticks.



Pssst. Don’t mock me. I’m just trying something new.
 

life is pointless

by retrodiction

Because it’s a circle. Ha. Ha. Ha. I’m so hilarious.
No seriously though,

“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is important that you do it.” – Mahatma Gandhi

 
Well, i’ve been an erratic little girl. I swear my moods swing faster than a pendulum bob. But it’s all good now— only because i’ve been extremely happy these couple of days. Weirdly optimistic too. (which i largely attribute to all the current fanfics i’m madly fangirl-ing over. Literally.) Like i want to giggle and flop all over the place. Like a seal.

So i’ve been gone for quite awhile. 11 days to be exact (not like anyone’s counting). Basically because i’ve been mugging. Plus exams and all the usuals. Life of a student. Meh, what’s new. I don’t think i’ve fared pretty well for all my papers. Utterly disappointing. But then again, i didn’t put in enough effort. So there’s that.
 
Moving along.
 
Pressing thought: Is it just me, or does everyone just seem so sad nowadays? Me included, oddly enough. Not now of course. Now i’m a giggling seal.

But just in general, there so much unhappiness and loneliness and what have you all around. And the saddest thing is that nobody ever wants to talk about it. Which is also madly infuriating. Please don’t assume that i’m saying this with any judgement, because i’m on your side. The madly infuriating people’s side. (who also happens to be madly infuriated). Because i understand, i do, i know what it feels like to want to talk about everything and not reveal anything at the same time. Toughest dilemma ever, trust me.

No judgements please, but i’ve got to ask. Does anyone ever feel like you can’t decide what kind of person you want to be. Like
a) The wild, boisterous person who is just high off of life.
b) The emo nemo who everyone just worries about.
c) The angsty little kid. I mean really angsty, like F***theworld you motherf***ing piece of s***head c**t b***h, angsty. You know the words. Don’t act like you dont.
 
 
You get my point. And i’ve made a self-realisation in light of this transient optimism. Hold your horses. It’s not some life-changing-bigbang-earth-shattering realisation, but it’s significant to me nonetheless. It’s not worth it. Whatever i’ve tried to be, and ridiculously failed at, was tiring. And the thing about hiding/harping on the negative feelings is that it takes such a toil on who you really are. So no, it’s not worth it being upset and tied down by the past/almost-past-present. There’s definitely no easy way out. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. But nothing will ever require more effort than the first step.
 
“To find yourself, you must first lose yourself”
 
And i have. And i can’t say i’m not still confused about who i’m really supposed to be, but right now, right this moment, i’m happy. Contented with myself. And that’s good enough.
 
“All I know is that today has been better than yesterday. And I want tomorrow to be better than today. That’s it. That’s all I know. And frankly, it’s enough for me.” -SHAFD
 
Now for the cold hard truth. No other person, even if you go through the same life experiences, can ever fully comprehend why and the way you feel the things you do. Because life is not a fairytale. And the stories we read, reality doesn’t ever play out the way they do in storybooks. Nobody’s going to save you. Nobody can save you. But the thing is, you don’t need to be saved. Maybe you’ll need a little push here and a nudge there, but at the end of the day, you’re strong enough to be your own prince charming.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, and happiness when shared, is doubled.


This post has officially been raped by quotes. But only because somebody’s already said it, and if i can’t say it better, why not quote.



P.S there is a ton of subliminal messaging in this post. For someone i sincerely hope would see. And know that we’ll always be here.

P.P.S what does P.S stand for?