ONE BIG SUNFLOWER

Category: Rants

Just a giant blackhole of self-doubt

by retrodiction

So I’m having a break from school and apart from camp last week and going out for study sessions, i literally have not stepped out of my house. And staying cooped up at home all day does something crazy to a person’s mind. I am going crazy. Have you ever felt so annoyed at the rest of the world and even your moodswings start to scare you?

I want to watch a movie. Then i want to smash the television. I want to chat with my girlfriends. Then i want to burn my phone. I’m using the internet. Then suddenly, i get the urge to delete all social networking accounts. I want to eat, but no, eating makes me upset too. I just want to curl up in bed and waste my life away. Then i’m giggling like a little girl. Then i’m crying like candy’s being taken away from me(little girl, remember?) Then i’m angry. Angry’s the worst.

Just this morning i came to the conclusion that my erratic(psychotic) behaviour stems from the utterly pathetic lack of a social life. I don’t mean i don’t have any friends, no. I do.
They’re just… not enough? Don’t get me wrong. Before you get all appreciate-what-you-have-philosophical on me, i don’t mean not enough as in i want more friends. I mean not enough as in i feel the relationships i have are not enough, not complete/fulfilling/enjoyable enough. Just NOT enough.

Have you ever felt that your expectations are too high? Has anyone ever told you, that your expectations are too high. Well, i say, unless you’re expecting to ride a flying unicorn into the sunlight across a rainbow to get to that pot of gold at the end of it, it’s not too high. But then again, if i don’t lower it, i’ll probably end up an old lonely spinster with 99 smelly cats.
I don’t even like cats.


“I don’t listen when they say I might have to adjust my expectations of myself. To me this sounds like “you will never be good enough again.”


Maybe it’s just me, but forming close bonds with people is a pretty difficult thing to do. And i just miss the days where it was easy to find a friend who you knew liked you as much as you liked them. And you’d make all kinds of plans, chat non-stop and just generally feel good all the time.

Sometimes i worry i’ll live my life like this for the rest of my life. Bored, alone and completely insane.


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snickers, come boost my ego.

by retrodiction

Okay.
This is a really personal rant, so it’s prolly gonna get really draggy and sappy and whatever not.

So i’ve been feeling pretty out of sorts recently.(Like i have never in my entire life not want to go to school so badly that i’d just skip it for like nearly a week. Straight.) And i don’t like that that issue is the cause and is the only thing that’s constantly on my mind.

Like it never, LITERALLY NEVER, leaves me alone. And it is SO annoying because people are getting sick of hearing me whine about it. I’M getting sick of hearing MYSELF whine about it.

 
You know how an hour goes by? Then the day? Then the week? Then before you even know it, BAM! it’s a whole new year. It really scares me how fast time is passing nowadays. Like farting god-like light speed. And then I’ll be thinking, so I didn’t change at all? I’m still me and I still do the silly things I do? No. Slowly i’m beginning to realise that i’m not me anymore. Ánd i always feel like i don’t like the new me. Because i feel (and my friends agree) that i’m more afraid. More worried. Moresadmoreinsecuremoreangstymorewhinyandwhathaveyou.

I remember talking to a friend and I remember her mentioning something along the lines of: Everyone has this perception of themselves, of who they are supposed to be. Like the real ‘me’. But if you think of a past you and the present you, you’re constantly changing. Like what you liked before might not even appeal to the present you in the slightest. So maybe you’re changing, but it doesn’t mean you’re not ‘you’, cause you can’t keep living in the past.

I know, i have such wise (corny) friends right;)

But the thing is, it’s easier said than done. I can’t help worrying. What if this me is actually a worser version than who i was before? What if this me screws up? What if this me isn’t likeable? I guess that’s really the root of the issue. Likeability? (is there even such a word. lol)

 
Honestly, i don’t even know why it affects me so much when all we used to do was go around saying things like FUCKWHATPEOPLETHINK.
 

So, it’s been 5 months. And i know, and everybody knows, that there’s something going on, something wrong. Not like a “it’s not right” wrong, but like a weird wrong. And i can now officially say that i know, I KNOW, what it fucking feels like to be the odd one out.
So since it’s already out there, yes, i am an outcast. No, you didn’t read that wrong.

But here’s the thing, why can’t i? Why can’t i enjoy being by myself if nobody wants to be with me? Why why why, am i so affected by what people think of me?
Do you know that having to think through everything single thing you want to say is such a tiring thing to do? So if annoying people get more annoying, please know that you play a part.
Because you judging me is making me anxious. And when i’m anxious, i do/say/think stupid shit that eats away at my confidence. And it makes me feel like i have to be somebody else in order to be liked.

Do y’know what that means! You’re giving me an identitiy crisis!

I’m now rolling my eyes and i’m slamming my table, and i’m saying ‘I just don’t want to do it anymore!’

Ultimately, if you don’t like me, you’re not gonna like anything i do. You’re just always gonna get offended anyways. SO FWPT. FWYT.

(self reminder: bring this attitude with you, preferably some place other than in front of your computer screen-_-)

Also, i vow to cherish all my lovelies more. And the few friends i’m sincerely thankful to have(: